My abortion was the perfect solution to all of my problems yet here I stand with a broken heart.It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I could have the abortion and go on living the life I led.Sex outside of marriage; Acting as if there were no consequences; Not believing in God or His plan for me; Yet here I stand realizing the foolishness of it all–wishing I could turn back the hands of time.It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I would have the procedure, no big deal. What was inside of me wasn’t a life anyway. Yet here I stand, a woman who has endured years of torment and regret over the loss of my baby; A baby that my boyfriend, people who were supposed to be my friends and the rest of society told me didn’t exist.It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Those people at the clinic took my money and told me that everything would be okay. I wanted to believe this, desperately, yet now I know that it was such a lie. They didn’t care about me. They didn’t tell me about the dark side of having an abortion. They didn’t tell me the truth- That abortion snuffed out the life of my baby and that that it would hurt me so very deeply. They didn’t tell me. They didn’t tell me.It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

How can I go on when I have been part of something so terrible? How can I live with myself when I know, deep down inside, that I have killed my baby? What makes me different than mothers who have taken the lives of their children who are living? Nothing…absolutely nothing. Those mothers are in jail, but because our society says killing through abortion is legal, I walk the streets free as a bird- At least that’s what it seems. No one sees that I have also been a prisoner, bars wound thick around my soul.It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I had an abortion to set myself free but as soon as the abortion was completed I realized that I might never be free again. The Bible says, “Everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.” This is the real truth of abortion.It wasn’t supposed to be this way, but this is the way that it is.

I miss my daughter so very, very much. How do I know she’s my daughter? I just do. Doesn’t every mother instinctively know these things? For despite what the world around me would like me to believe, I am a mother and she is my child. She is gone and I grieve.Why are we doing this to ourselves? It wasn’t supposed to be this way. God did not make us for this. He didn’t make us in His image so we could use each other and throw life away like some day old trash. He didn’t create

us to remain silent when someone we love is about to make such a terrible choice. He didn’t want us to be on the sidelines saying, “Well…I wouldn’t have an abortion but I can’t tell someone else what to do or how to live their life.”It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

How did we go so wrong?It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

I will not let my daughter’s life go unaccounted and this is why I write these words. Jesus said, “you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.”The truth is abortion hurts women, it hurts men, it hurts children and it hurts families. Abortion hurts everyone.It hurts you and it hurts me. And the only way we can be healed is by completely turning our lives over to our Lord and Savior, and allowing Him and only Him to take up residence in our hearts. Jesus has melted my icy heart.This is the only reason that I can tell you that no one should have to endure this evil. We should not want this for any one. We deserve better than this.It wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Listen and understand when I tell you that abortion is something you can never, ever undo. Yes…through Christ the pain may lessen over time, but there will always be questions and lingering sadness.I often wonder about my daughter-she would be almost 16 now. What color hair did she have, what color eyes, would she have my sense of humor, what would be her favorite food, what music would she like and how would we spend our time together. I wonder what her life would have been like if I could have made the courageous decision to bring her into this world.But for now these questions must wait, unanswered and unfulfilled. This reality saddens my heart more than you can know because every fiber of my being longs to be a mother, here on earth, to my baby. But bravely bearing my cross, and proclaiming the truth to all of you here,–this means that I finally know what real LOVE is- That I am growing in the love of my God, my child and myself.Job Chapter 12 verse 10 reminds me “in His hands is the soul of every living thing and the life breath of all mankind.” It is here that my daughter rests and one day, God willing, I will behold her beautiful, beautiful face in heaven.

This is my love letter to my daughter Rebecca and in some small humble way I hope it honors her existence. For she is real, a part of me, and I will never let her go again!

It wasn’t supposed to be this way, but this is the way that it is.

My name is Mary. I grew up in a large family; raised Catholic & went to catholic schools. My early twenties I was going to school part-time & working a couple of part-time jobs as well as volunteering at the church. I was teaching Sunday school, but yet at the same time involved with a man. I was so confused about what & where I wanted to be.  I was in a relationship with a man that I knew was going nowhere & I couldn’t decide what I was doing in school or life … so off I went. 

I moved away from home in my early twenties. Within a couple of months of moving to a big city, I met a man & we began to date. Shortly thereafter, I found myself pregnant.  I don’t recall what his response was about my being pregnant, all I can recall is that I could not let my family know I had messed up … especially my parents! I also knew I had to have the abortion soon – before those little feet formed (that I was familiar with from my previous pro-life involvement). 

The father of the baby took me for the abortion & I don’t recall ever discussing it with him again. After the abortion, I became numb. I never talked about it that I can recall other than a few close friends. I worked a full-time job & a part-time job to fill my days. Although I had not used good judgment in some of the relationships I chose, I now didn’t seem to care about much of anything. 

I was on again/off again with church. I tried getting involved in prayer meetings, I sought counseling, I desperately craved a true friend, but could never find the love that I experienced growing up as a child with my family. I went through periods of promiscuity & a period of hating men & having nothing to do with them at all. 

Eventually I was back into the dating scene, but not much had changed on my choice of men. I not only chose unhealthy relationships with men, but female friends as well. I gave so much in all of my relationships until I was EMPTY & had nothing more to give. I continued getting through each month with emotional ups & downs.Eventually those months of good days & bad turned into daily emotional ups and downs. 

I finally came to a breaking point 14 years after my abortion & after many bad decisions, poor choices & unhealthy relationships. I was BROKEN, but I didn’t know what was wrong … I just knew I wasn’t right … there had to be answer to the emptiness, loneliness, major frustration & pain I was feeling daily. I was going to church weekly & occasional religious retreats, but I was still struggling – I was LOST.

I asked a friend if she had any suggestions on finding a CHRISTIAN counselor. It was not long after meeting with the counselor that I shared I had aborted my baby many years ago. I then started to going to the Bethesda meetings. I knew God had a plan for me … that of all the people I could have gone to for help, that I ended with a counselor who was directly linked to a ministry for post-abortive men & women. 

I knew God was working in my life even if I couldn’t see it. It took me a few years of attending the Bethesda meetings before I began to truly touch deeply on the issue of my abortion. I had so much pain & anger stored up from the past 14 years since my abortion to work through from the unhealthy relationships, broken trust, betrayal, and emptiness I felt inside. I had to face my sin of pride amongst others that lead me to my poor decisions in relationships & death of my own child years ago. 

Bethesda has been my guide to knowing Jesus Christ not just as the Savior of the world, but my personal Savior & friend. I am still on that journey, but feel I am growing closer each year & accepting God’s love & forgiveness in my life. Bethesda has been & still is a place where I find the love of Christ, guidance, support and acceptance where ever I am in my journey. The acceptance & warm feelings are not only from the facilitators & companions, priests and seminarians, but of all the men & women who come to share their heart, their pain & seek God’s forgiveness in community. 

I thank God for the yes’ He has inspired in those that have dedicated their time & their lives to help others seek healing for their sin & separation from God. I thank God for Bethesda who has touched my life & helped me see that God loves me & forgives my sins … no matter how great or small … I am still a child of God.Yes, I still have tears … some of regret, sorrow … some of embarrassment because it’s difficult to share the mistakes of my past, but most of my tears are of joy. I am in awe of God’s never ending mercy & love!

God Bless you!