I come from a family of 5; Mom, Dad, and two younger sisters. I was baptized Catholic as a baby. My Mom took us to weekly mass. My childhood was okay (or at least I thought at the time). However, I now realize that I dealt with a lot of verbal and emotional abuse. My Dad would say things such as: ” You need to lose weight” or ” Why can’t you be smarter like your youngest sister?” These are just a few examples. They are the ones that have stuck with me most. My Dad rarely gave hugs or said, ” I love you.”When the time came, my Mom made every effort to provide us with a Catholic education by going to Catholic schools. While attending grade school kids in my class were constantly making fun of me. While attending Catholic grade schools this meant a lot to me for many reasons.Mom worked extra hard to give me the privilege to attend a school where we had daily mass and religion classes taught by nuns. Also, I had the opportunity to receive all the Sacraments. After, graduating from 8th grade I started going to a Catholic High School. The kids continued making fun of me. Many of my friends had boyfriends or girlfriends. Not me. No one was ever interested in me.At this point I was convinced ” I was an unattractive, overweight person.” I felt, ” I would never amount to anything.” During HS, we had the chance to attend mass and religion class. I consistently attended weekly mass with my family. During my senior year, my parents after 20 years of marriage divorced.I then graduated from HS and furthered my education by attending a Catholic college. I would be living on campus. I stopped going to church with my family. I went to class, but I also started going to parties, bars and clubs, and occasional drinking.
Some of the guys would show interest in me. Boy, did I love the attention! They’d tell me all sorts of things. ” You are so attractive.” Or ” I’d really like to get to know you.” The lines go on. They’d give me their numbers and we’d meet again. Eventually, all my weekends consisted of having fun on the weekends by going out and partying. I would even put off my homework just so I could see the guys.
My first year of college was over and I decided ” College wasn’t for me at this time.” So, I didn’t go back. I searched for employment. I soon started working. I met a guy and we started dating. We dated for 3 years. We broke up at one point and when we got back together we had sex one time and I got pregnant. When I was 6 months pregnant I found out that he was getting married to someone that he’d been dating since we got back together.
I was devastated. I became very depressed. I had a boy and went on being a single parent. After, about 4-6 months I was back out at the clubs and living a promiscuous lifestyle. I ran into a guy I knew from the past and we started talking. One thing led to another and I got pregnant. I went to Pregnancy Decision Health Centers to confirm the pregnancy.
I told the guy and he said, ” So what are you going to do? I am not ready to be a father. You need to have an abortion.” I was speechless. I knew this was a wrong choice. But, I thought to myself, ” This is my only choice. I was already emotionally and financially struggling with one child.
I felt there was only one other person I could tell and that was a friend who got pregnant in her teens and decided to have an abortion. She said, ” I wouldn’t have an abortion, if I were you. She had regretted her decision. I never talked to her about it again.
I knew I couldn’t tell anyone in my family because they were already upset that I had to raise my son by myself. How could I disappoint them again? I just went on and called the abortion clinic and got the information that I needed. I drove myself to and from the clinic, got an ultrasound, filled out the paperwork, and paid for the abortion alone. They gave me information about the procedure and advised me there maybe some physical symptoms afterwards, but they wouldn’t last long.
I went very quickly thru the doors without looking back. When I got to the room I placed a picture of my 1½ yr old son over my chest and began to cry. I was never so scared and alone. The doctor came in and spoke very briefly. I don’t recall the actual conversation or anything involving the procedure. I then went to the recovery room, where they checked my vitals and I was sent on my way.
I then went straight back to work. I did have some of the physical symptoms they’d talked about but they soon went away. I went on with life as ” Nothing had ever happened.” I started going back out to the clubs. I met another guy and I moved in with him. We started having sex and after, about 1 yr I was faced with another pregnancy.
I was very hesitant to tell him. I feared he’d say the same thing the last guy had. Finally, I told him, ” I was pregnant and if you don’t want this baby I will have another abortion like I did before.” Thankfully he said, ” No, he’d be there and wanted to keep the baby.” So, I did go on with the pregnancy and had a girl.
During the years following, I was diagnosed with anxiety/panic attacks and was suffering already from depression. I suffered from bad relationships, low self-esteem, and the list goes on. I went back to Pregnancy Decision Health Center because I just couldn’t take it.
I talked with a counselor and somehow my abortion came out. She advised me that I was suffering from Post Abortion Syndrome. She referred me to a counselor who had experience in post-abortion counseling. She has helped me in dealing with the abortion and issues relating before the abortion and issues and challenges I have faced as a result of the abortion.
Shortly thereafter, she took me to a mass. This mass was different from the others I have been to. It was called a Mass of Comfort. Bethesda Healing Ministry is in charge of making this possible. The mass is for men and women who have suffered the loss of pre born children. I then received a phone call from one of the companions who was assigned to me. We talked on the phone for a while and I just couldn’t believe that she had an abortion.
She seemed to have it together. I attended 2-3 meetings and then it was time for the group to take a short break for the summer. It seemed like a break that would last forever. Well, my companion and I had agreed to meet during summer once a week. We worked on issues of the abortion by working in a healing manual. There were times I felt “Clueless” and that there wasn’t any hope for me.
I had not been familiar with Scripture and didn’t understand how I could get through all these feelings. Well, finally the time came for the group to start again. I hardly said 2 words. But, as time passed I started to say more. I would sometimes sit there and think, ” There is no way some of these people had an abortion. They seemed to have it together.
They’d always say, ” They were right where I was before and in time I would start seeing changes in my own life.” I found this so hard to believe. A number of times I would cry and couldn’t explain why my companion would often say ” Tears are good.” I never understood that either.
During the year, I wanted to know the actual month/day of my abortion and wondered, ” Why I couldn’t remember?” The director would say, ” If, it’s meant to be, it will happen?” It will be in God’s time. “The father who was involved with my decision of aborting my child stopped by my home. He wanted to know if I had really gone through with my abortion. At the time, I felt, ” How did he have the right to ask me these questions after all these years?”
Well, instead I told him about the ministry and shared with my manual. He said, ” Over the years when things went wrong, he’d think if it had to do with his decision in making me have the abortion?”I didn’t really say too much to that, but I did realize that he’d thought about it and that was enough for me. At that time, I said to myself, ” I forgave him and would move on with my own healing.” I wished him luck. A few days later, I went to a wonderful priest name Fr.Lutz. I talked with him briefly regarding my abortion. His words that God had forgiven me were hard to believe. When I finally confessed the sin I felt ” relief”. He gave me a hug and said, ” Good luck on my journey of healing and God Bless.
I then attended my first Bethesda fundraiser. I was nervous and didn’t know what to expect. I was so touched by the witness that year Liz Brown. She had said to me, ” Angie, this will be you in a few years.” I thought, ” There is no way!”I attended Bethesda’s annual retreat. I was very nervous, yet felt very safe. I knew many people but really didn’t know what to expect. I heard people sharing their abortion story and often thought, ” How I’d like to give a witness someday.” A group of Bethesda Companions and I met. I mentioned to them, I had wanted to go to the clinic where I had my abortion and obtain my medical records.Liz asked me, ” Angie, would you like for me to take you?” ” Yes, I replied with relief.”
We decided to go on July 2nd. We were both very nervous and said prayers as we went into the building. The lady at the desk was rude. She asked, ” Why do you want your medical records?” While finding the words to say, Liz said, ” Because they belong to her. It is her right to obtain them.”I was so thankful and so proud of her. She found the words that I was desperately looking for. The lady said, ” Well, I am very busy so it may take awhile. You’ll have to sit and wait.” “Fine, we’ll wait,” said Liz. We sat and waited for a couple of hours. While sitting there I tried to recognize anything that may have looked familiar or even the smell of something. Eventually, another lady came out with my paperwork.We paid the cash that was required for them. We looked over the papers and most of them were very unclear. But, we could read the date of the abortion, which was Dec 12, 1997. I cried and cried. The tears were tears of sadness but mostly of relief. I finally knew the actual date. It then made sense why I had always been very emotional in December. I always thought it was because of the holiday stresses.
During, winter quarter 2003 at Columbus State, I took a Speech Class. I had to give 2 speeches. One was an Informative Speech in which I talked about Post Abortion Syndrome. The 2nd was a Persuasive Speech that was based on facts, statistics, and a true story of my abortion. The class responded positively. There were people crying, giving me hugs, and very understanding. I knew I had made some sort of impact on their lives.
I took another step in my healing journey at this point. I named my baby. His name is Jordan Christopher. I went to my 2nd annual fundraiser. I had another great pleasure to hear a witness give her talk. She did an exceptional job as well. I said to myself, ” How I wish that could be me?” And as God always answers prayer, he answered mine. I had the chance to share a book called, ” Mommy Please Don’t Cry” at the annual retreat and give a short testimony.
I ended my 5 yr relationship with my daughter’s father and made him move out. At that point I made a decision to live a chaste life. I had the great honor of giving my talk at Bethesda Companion Training Day at the Pontifical College Josephinum. I spoke in front of my Bethesda community, which includes those who are going through the healing journey, the chaplains and seminarians who are with us.
My testimony was well received. These seminarians gained more knowledge of the effects abortion has on both men and women and how to help someone assist in their own healing. This year has just started off by being a great year already. In January, I sat down with my parish priest. I shared with him my abortion experience and my involvement with Bethesda. I had shared with him my desire to take the next step and that was to tell my Mom and two sisters.
They surrounded me with tears and comfort. I know it was difficult for them to understand why I had made such a choice. They did ask some questions. They were so supportive and just wished I would have told them sooner so I didn’t have to go thru this alone. They were thankful to my counselor and the support of the Bethesda ministry.
I thank God that we have the support and the presence of the seminarians and priests who are and have been a part of Bethesda. I can honestly say each one has had a huge impact on my life and for that I will be forever grateful. Their presence at each one of our meetings is just as though God is visibly there. The Bethesda community is made up of people coming from different backgrounds. Our leaders share our abortion experiences in their hearts and the rest have had the abortion experience.
By working the manual and reading Scripture, we grow closer to God and deeper in our Faith. We come to believe that we are forgiven and that we are all children of God. We know that our child or children are watching over us. By sharing our own personal story we have a better understanding of one another and this gives us opportunity to know each other better.
By coming to the Bethesda meetings I’ve learned so many things that have been a part of bringing me back into the church. I have learned more about the Word of God. I have learned that Jesus loves me no matter what. I now go to reconciliation on a regular basis. I know now and believe, ” No sin is too great for God to forgive as long as you are truly sorry for that sin and have faith in him.”
About 1 yr ago, I started going back to church. I attend weekly mass with my 2 children. They attend CCD class while I attend RCIA. They have been learning so much. They love to say prayer daily. Now, some really exciting news! My children will be baptized into the Catholic faith tomorrow. This is a tremendous blessing to me. I have wanted and waited for this day for so long.
I guess looking back into my life I realize God has always loved me. I just didn’t love or respect myself. I thought God was punishing me for all my mistakes. God has always been a true presence in my life. I just chose to be blinded by the wrong people and made wrong choices.
As you can see since coming to Bethesda, I have made some big changes and progress. I went from saying 2-3 words to giving speeches. I went from people taking advantage of me to standing up for what I believe in and in myself. I went from so-called friends to true friends. I went from having very low self-esteem to higher self-esteem. Most of all, I have found my “true” home again. I am now with God. I know I am in a safe place.
In conclusion, I just wanted you all to know why I chose abortion and how I found my way back to the church. I thank all my family, friends, and support system. But, most important ” I thank God because ” Without him things are impossible.” Again, ” The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me; He has sent me to bring glad tidings to the lowly, to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives and release to the prisoners, To announce a year of favor from the Lord and a day of vindication by our God, to comfort all who mourn; Thank You!
