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My
name is Mary
I grew up in OH with 6 brothers & sisters. Raised Catholic
& went to catholic schools. My early twenties I was living
at home with my parents & little sister, going to school
part-time & working a couple of part-time jobs as well
as volunteering at the church. I was teaching Sunday school,
but yet at the same time involved with a man. I was so
confused about what & where I wanted to be.
My sister, living in the south, called & asked if I would
like to come down for the summer since there was a full-time
temporary position open at her work place. It was winter
in OH & the thoughts of the warm south sounded great.
I was in a relationship with a man that I knew was going
no where & I couldn't decide what I was doing in school
or life � so off I went.
I moved away from home when I was 22. Shortly after moving
to GA, it was clear that the living situation with my
sister & her husband was not working very well, but I
continued to stay with them for about a year. Within a
couple of months of moving to the big city, I met a man
& we began to date. Shortly thereafter, I found myself
pregnant.
I don't recall what his response was about my being pregnant,
all I can recall is that I could not let my family know
I had messed up � especially my parents! I also knew I
had to have the abortion soon - before those little feet
formed (that I was familiar with from my previous pro-life
involvement). The father of the baby took me for the abortion
& I don't recall ever discussing it with him again.
After the abortion, I became numb. I never talked about
it that I can recall other than a few close friends. I
worked a full-time job & a part-time job to fill my days.
Although I had not used good judgment in some of the relationships
I chose, I now didn't seem to care about much of anything.
I was on again/off again with church. I tried getting
involved in prayer meetings, I sought counseling, I desperately
craved a true friend, but could never find the love that
I experienced growing up as a child with my family. I
went through periods of promiscuity & a period of hating
men & having nothing to do with them at all. Eventually
I was back into the dating scene, but not much had changed
on my choice of men. I not only chose unhealthy relationships
with men, but women as well. I gave so much in all of
my relationships until I was EMPTY & had nothing more
to give. I continued getting through each month with emotional
ups & downs. Eventually those months of |
good days & bad turned into daily emotional
ups and downs. I finally came to a breaking point 14 years
after my abortion & after many bad decisions, poor choices
& unhealthy relationships. I was BROKEN, but I didn't
know what was wrong ... I just knew I wasn't right � there
had to be answer to the emptiness, loneliness, major frustration
& pain I was feeling daily.
I was going to church weekly & occasional religious retreats,
but I was still struggling - I was lost. I asked a friend
if she had any suggestions on finding a CHRISTIAN counselor.
It was not long after meeting with the counselor that
I shared I had aborted my baby many years ago. I then
started to going to the Bethesda meetings. I knew God
had a plan for me � that of all the people I could have
gone to in Columbus for help, that I ended with a counselor
who was directly linked to a ministry for post-abortive
men & women. I knew God was working in my life even if
I couldn't see it.
Although I have been involved with Bethesda since 2000,
I feel like I am just now beginning to touch deeply on
the issue of my abortion. I had so much pain & anger stored
up from the past 14 years to work through from the unhealthy
relationships, broken trust, betrayal, and emptiness I
felt inside. I had to face my sin of pride amongst others
that lead me to my poor decisions in relationships & death
of my own child years ago.
Bethesda has been my guide to knowing Jesus Christ not
just as the Savior of the world, but my personal Savior
& friend. I am still on that journey, but feel I am growing
closer each year & accepting God's love & forgiveness
in my life.
Bethesda has been & still is a place where I find the
love of Christ, guidance, support and acceptance where
ever I am in my journey. The acceptance & warm feelings
are not only from the facilitators like Judy, Fran, the
priests and seminarians, but of all the men & women who
come to share their heart, their pain & seek God's forgiveness
in community. I thank God for the yes' He has inspired
in those that have dedicated their time & their lives
to help others seek healing for their sin & separation
from God. I thank God for Bethesda who has touched my
life & helped me see that God loves me & forgives my sins
� no matter how great or small � I am still a child of
God.
Yes, I still have tears � some of regret, sorrow � some
of embarrassment because it's difficult to share the mistakes
of my past, but most of my tears are of joy. I am in awe
of God's never ending mercy & love!
God
Bless you! |
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My
Name is Liz
It wasn't
supposed to be this way.
My abortion was the perfect solution to all of my problems
yet here I stand with a broken heart.
It
wasn't supposed to be this way.
I could have the abortion and go on living the life I
led.Sex outside of marriage; Acting as if there were no
consequences; Not believing in God or His plan for me;
Yet here I stand realizing the foolishness of it all--wishing
I could turn back the hands of time.
It
wasn't supposed to be this way.
I would have the procedure, no big deal. What was inside
of me wasn't a life anyway. Yet here I stand, a woman
who has endured years of torment and regret over the loss
of my baby; A baby that my boyfriend, people who were
supposed to be my friends and the rest of society told
me didn't exist.
It wasn't supposed to
be this way.
Those people at the clinic took my money and told me that
everything would be okay. I wanted to believe this, desperately,
yet now I know that it was such a lie. They didn't care
about me. They didn't tell me about the dark side of having
an abortion. They didn't tell me the truth- That abortion
snuffed out the life of my baby and that that it would
hurt me so very deeply. They didn't tell me. They didn't
tell me.
It wasn't supposed to be this
way.
How can I go on when I have been part of something so
terrible? How can I live with myself when I know, deep
down inside, that I have killed my baby? What makes me
different than mothers who have taken the lives of their
children who are living? Nothing�absolutely nothing. Those
mothers are in jail, but because our society says killing
through abortion is legal, I walk the streets free as
a bird- At least that's what it seems. No one sees that
I have also been a prisoner, bars wound thick around my
soul.
It wasn't supposed to be this way.
I had an abortion to set myself free but as soon as the
abortion was completed I realized that I might never be
free again. The Bible says, "Everyone who commits sin
is a slave to sin." This is the real truth of abortion.
It wasn't supposed to be this way, but this
is the way that it is.
I miss my daughter so very, very much. How do I know she's
my daughter? I just do. Doesn't every mother instinctively
know these things? For despite what the world around me
would like me to believe, I am a mother and she is my
child. She is gone and I grieve.
Why are we doing this to ourselves? It wasn't supposed
to be this way. God did not make us for this. He didn't
make us in His image so we could use each other and throw
life away like some day old trash. He didn't create |
us to remain silent when someone we love
is about to make such a terrible choice. He didn't want
us to be on the sidelines saying, "Well�I wouldn't have
an abortion but I can't tell someone else what to do or
how to live their life."
It wasn't supposed
to be this way.
How did we go so wrong?
It wasn't supposed
to be this way.
I will not let my daughter's life go unaccounted and this
is why I write these words. Jesus said, "you will know
the truth and the truth will set you free."
The truth is abortion hurts women, it hurts men, it hurts
children and it hurts families. Abortion hurts everyone.
It hurts you and it hurts me. And the only way we can
be healed is by completely turning our lives over to our
Lord and Savior, and allowing Him and only Him to take
up residence in our hearts. Jesus has melted my icy heart.
This is the only reason that I can tell you that no one
should have to endure this evil. We should not want this
for any one. We deserve better than this.
It
wasn't supposed to be this way.
Listen and understand when I tell you that abortion is
something you can never, ever undo. Yes�through Christ
the pain may lessen over time, but there will always be
questions and lingering sadness.
I often wonder about my daughter-she would be almost 16
now. What color hair did she have, what color eyes, would
she have my sense of humor, what would be her favorite
food, what music would she like and how would we spend
our time together. I wonder what her life would have been
like if I could have made the courageous decision to bring
her into this world.
But for now these questions must wait, unanswered and
unfulfilled. This reality saddens my heart more than you
can know because every fiber of my being longs to be a
mother, here on earth, to my baby. But bravely bearing
my cross, and proclaiming the truth to all of you here,--this
means that I finally know what real LOVE is- That I am
growing in the love of my God, my child and myself.
Job Chapter 12 verse 10 reminds me "in His hands is the
soul of every living thing and the life breath of all
mankind." It is here that my daughter rests and one day,
God willing, I will behold her beautiful, beautiful face
in heaven.
This is my love letter to my daughter Rebecca and in some
small humble way I hope it honors her existence. For she
is real, a part of me, and I will never let her go again!
It wasn't supposed to be this way, but this
is the way that it is. |
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My
Name Is Angie
What Makes a Catholic Ministry Catholic?
The Mission to the Afflicted Isaiah:
61:1-2
The spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord
has anointed me; He has sent me to bring glad tidings
to the lowly, to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty
to the captives and release to the prisoners, To announce
a year of favor from the Lord and a day of vindication
by our God, to comfort all who mourn.
I come from a family of 5; Mom, Dad, and two younger sisters.
I was baptized Catholic as a baby. My Mom took us to weekly
mass.
My childhood was okay (or at least I thought at the time).
However, I now realize that I dealt with a lot of verbal
and emotional abuse. My Dad would say things such as:
" You need to lose weight" or " Why can't you be smarter
like your youngest sister?" These are just a few examples.
They are the ones that have stuck with me most. My Dad
rarely gave hugs or said, " I love you."
When the time came, my Mom made every effort to provide
us with a Catholic education by going to Catholic schools.
While attending grade school kids in my class were constantly
making fun of me. While attending Catholic grade schools
this meant a lot to me for many reasons.
Mom worked extra hard to give me the privilege to attend
a school where we had daily mass and religion classes
taught by nuns. Also, I had the opportunity to receive
all the Sacraments. After, graduating from 8th grade I
started going to a Catholic High School. The kids continued
making fun of me. Many of my friends had boyfriends or
girlfriends. Not me. No one was ever interested in me.
At this point I was convinced " I was an unattractive,
overweight person." I felt, " I would never amount to
anything." During HS, we had the chance to attend mass
and religion class. I consistently attended weekly mass
with my family. During my senior year, my parents after
20 years of marriage divorced.
I then graduated from HS and furthered my education by
attending a Catholic college. I would be living on campus.
I stopped going to church with my family. I went to class,
but I also started going to parties, bars and clubs, and
occasional drinking.
Some of the guys would show interest in me. Boy, did I
love the attention! They'd tell me all sorts of things.
" You are so attractive." Or " I'd really like to get
to know you." The lines go on. They'd give me their numbers
and we'd meet again. Eventually, all my weekends consisted
of having fun on the weekends by going out and partying.
I would even put off my homework just so I could see the
guys.
My first year of college was over and I decided " College
wasn't for me at this time." So, I didn't go back. I searched
for employment. I soon started working. I met a guy and
we started dating. We dated for 3 years. We broke up at
one point and when we got back together we had sex one
time and I got pregnant. When I was 6 months pregnant
I found out that he was getting married to someone that
he'd been dating since we got back together.
I was devastated. I became very depressed. I had a boy
and went on being a single parent. After, about 4-6 months
I was back out at the clubs and living a promiscuous lifestyle.
I ran into a guy I knew from the past and we started talking.
One thing led to another and I got pregnant. I went to
Pregnancy Decision Health Centers to confirm the pregnancy.
I told the guy and he said, " So what are you going to
do? I am not ready to be a father. You need to have an
abortion." I was speechless. I knew this was a wrong choice.
But, I thought to myself, " This is my only choice. I
was already emotionally and financially struggling with
one child.
I felt there was only one other person I could tell and
that was a friend who got pregnant in her teens and decided
to have an abortion. She said, " I wouldn't have an abortion,
if I were you. She had regretted her decision. I never
talked to her about it again.
I knew I couldn't tell anyone in my family because they
were already upset that I had to raise my son by myself.
How could I disappoint them again? I just went on and
called the abortion clinic and got the information that
I needed. I drove myself to and from the clinic, got an
ultrasound, filled out the paperwork, and paid for the
abortion alone. They gave me information about the procedure
and advised me there maybe some physical symptoms afterwards,
but they wouldn't last long.
I went very quickly thru the doors without looking back.
When I got to the room I placed a picture of my 1� yr
old son over my chest and began to cry. I was never so
scared and alone. The doctor came in and spoke very briefly.
I don't recall the actual conversation or anything involving
the procedure. I then went to the recovery room, where
they checked my vitals and I was sent on my way.
I then went straight back to work. I did have some of
the physical symptoms they'd talked about but they soon
went away. I went on with life as " Nothing had ever happened."
I started going back out to the clubs. I met another guy
and I moved in with him. We started having sex and after,
about 1 yr I was faced with another pregnancy.
I was very hesitant to tell him. I feared he'd say the
same thing the last guy had. Finally, I told him, " I
was pregnant and if you don't want this baby I will have
another abortion like I did before." Thankfully he said,
" No, he'd be there and wanted to keep the baby." So,
I did go on with the pregnancy and had a girl.
During the years following, I was diagnosed with anxiety/panic
attacks and was suffering already from depression. I suffered
from bad relationships, low self-esteem, and the list
goes on. I went back to Pregnancy Decision Health Center
because I just couldn't take it.
I talked with a counselor and somehow my abortion came
out. She advised me that I was suffering from Post Abortion
Syndrome. She referred me to a counselor who had experience
in post-abortion counseling. She has helped me in dealing
with the abortion and issues relating before the abortion
and issues and challenges I have faced as a result of
the abortion.
Shortly thereafter, she took me to a mass. This mass was
different from the others I have been to. It was called
a Mass of Comfort. Bethesda Healing Ministry is in charge
of making this possible. The mass is for men and women
who have suffered the loss of pre born children. I then
received a phone call from one of the companions who was
assigned to me. We talked on the phone for a while and
I just couldn't believe that she had an abortion.
She seemed to have it together. I attended 2-3 meetings
and then it was time for the group to take a short break
for the summer. It seemed like a break that would last
forever. Well, my companion and I had agreed to meet during
summer once a week. We worked on issues of the abortion
by working in a healing manual. There were times I felt
"Clueless" and that there wasn't any hope for me.
I had not been familiar with Scripture and didn't understand
how I could get through all these feelings. Well, finally
the time came for the group to start again. I hardly said
2 words. But, as time passed I started to say more. I
would sometimes sit there and think, " There is no way
some of these people had an abortion. They seemed to have
it together.
They'd always say, " They were right where I was before
and in time I would start seeing changes in my own life."
I found this so hard to believe. A number of times I would
cry and couldn't explain why my companion would often
say " Tears are good." I never understood that either.
During the year, I wanted to know the actual month/day
of my abortion and wondered, " Why I couldn't remember?"
The director would say, " If, it's |
meant to be, it will happen?" It will be
in God's time."
The father who was involved with my decision of aborting
my child stopped by my home. He wanted to know if I had
really gone through with my abortion. At the time, I felt,
" How did he have the right to ask me these questions
after all these years?" Well, instead I told him about
the ministry and shared with my manual. He said, " Over
the years when things went wrong, he'd think if it had
to do with his decision in making me have the abortion?"
I didn't really say too much to that, but I did realize
that he'd thought about it and that was enough for me.
At that time, I said to myself, " I forgave him and would
move on with my own healing." I wished him luck.
A few days later, I went to a wonderful priest name Fr.Lutz.
I talked with him briefly regarding my abortion. His words
that God had forgiven me were hard to believe. When I
finally confessed the sin I felt " relief". He gave me
a hug and said, " Good luck on my journey of healing and
God Bless.
I then attended my first Bethesda fundraiser. I was nervous
and didn't know what to expect. I was so touched by the
witness that year Liz Brown. She had said to me, " Angie,
this will be you in a few years." I thought, " There is
no way!"
I attended Bethesda's annual retreat. I was very nervous,
yet felt very safe. I knew many people but really didn't
know what to expect. I heard people sharing their abortion
story and often thought, " How I'd like to give a witness
someday." A group of Bethesda Companions and I met. I
mentioned to them, I had wanted to go to the clinic where
I had my abortion and obtain my medical records.
Liz asked me, " Angie, would you like for me to take you?"
" Yes, I replied with relief." We decided to go on July
2nd. We were both very nervous and said prayers as we
went into the building. The lady at the desk was rude.
She asked, " Why do you want your medical records?" While
finding the words to say, Liz said, " Because they belong
to her. It is her right to obtain them."
I was so thankful and so proud of her. She found the words
that I was desperately looking for. The lady said, " Well,
I am very busy so it may take awhile. You'll have to sit
and wait." "Fine, we'll wait," said Liz. We sat and waited
for a couple of hours. While sitting there I tried to
recognize anything that may have looked familiar or even
the smell of something. Eventually, another lady came
out with my paperwork.
We paid the cash that was required for them. We looked
over the papers and most of them were very unclear. But,
we could read the date of the abortion, which was Dec
12, 1997. I cried and cried. The tears were tears of sadness
but mostly of relief. I finally knew the actual date.
It then made sense why I had always been very emotional
in December. I always thought it was because of the holiday
stresses.
During, winter quarter 2003 at Columbus State, I took
a Speech Class. I had to give 2 speeches. One was an Informative
Speech in which I talked about Post Abortion Syndrome.
The 2nd was a Persuasive Speech that was based on facts,
statistics, and a true story of my abortion. The class
responded positively. There were people crying, giving
me hugs, and very understanding. I knew I had made some
sort of impact on their lives.
I took another step in my healing journey at this point.
I named my baby. His name is Jordan Christopher. I went
to my 2nd annual fundraiser. I had another great pleasure
to hear a witness give her talk. She did an exceptional
job as well. I said to myself, " How I wish that could
be me?" And as God always answers prayer, he answered
mine. I had the chance to share a book called, " Mommy
Please Don't Cry" at the annual retreat and give a short
testimony.
I ended my 5 yr relationship with my daughter's father
and made him move out. At that point I made a decision
to live a chaste life. I had the great honor of giving
my talk at Bethesda Companion Training Day at the Pontifical
College Josephinum. I spoke in front of my Bethesda community,
which includes those who are going through the healing
journey, the chaplains and seminarians who are with us.
My testimony was well received. These seminarians gained
more knowledge of the effects abortion has on both men
and women and how to help someone assist in their own
healing. This year has just started off by being a great
year already. In January, I sat down with my parish priest.
I shared with him my abortion experience and my involvement
with Bethesda. I had shared with him my desire to take
the next step and that was to tell my Mom and two sisters.
They surrounded me with tears and comfort. I know it was
difficult for them to understand why I had made such a
choice. They did ask some questions. They were so supportive
and just wished I would have told them sooner so I didn't
have to go thru this alone. They were thankful to my counselor
and the support of the Bethesda ministry.
I thank God that we have the support and the presence
of the seminarians and priests who are and have been a
part of Bethesda. I can honestly say each one has had
a huge impact on my life and for that I will be forever
grateful. Their presence at each one of our meetings is
just as though God is visibly there. The Bethesda community
is made up of people coming from different backgrounds.
Our leaders share our abortion experiences in their hearts
and the rest have had the abortion experience.
By working the manual and reading Scripture, we grow closer
to God and deeper in our Faith. We come to believe that
we are forgiven and that we are all children of God. We
know that our child or children are watching over us.
By sharing our own personal story we have a better understanding
of one another and this gives us opportunity to know each
other better.
By coming to the Bethesda meetings I've learned so many
things that have been a part of bringing me back into
the church. I have learned more about the Word of God.
I have learned that Jesus loves me no matter what. I now
go to reconciliation on a regular basis. I know now and
believe, " No sin is too great for God to forgive as long
as you are truly sorry for that sin and have faith in
him."
About 1 yr ago, I started going back to church. I attend
weekly mass with my 2 children. They attend CCD class
while I attend RCIA. They have been learning so much.
They love to say prayer daily. Now, some really exciting
news! My children will be baptized into the Catholic faith
tomorrow. This is a tremendous blessing to me. I have
wanted and waited for this day for so long.
I guess looking back into my life I realize God has always
loved me. I just didn't love or respect myself. I thought
God was punishing me for all my mistakes. God has always
been a true presence in my life. I just chose to be blinded
by the wrong people and made wrong choices.
As you can see since coming to Bethesda, I have made some
big changes and progress. I went from saying 2-3 words
to giving speeches. I went from people taking advantage
of me to standing up for what I believe in and in myself.
I went from so-called friends to true friends. I went
from having very low self-esteem to higher self-esteem.
Most of all, I have found my "true" home again. I am now
with God. I know I am in a safe place.
In conclusion, I just wanted you all to know why I chose
abortion and how I found my way back to the church. I
thank all my family, friends, and support system. But,
most important " I thank God because " Without him things
are impossible." Again, " The spirit of the Lord God is
upon me, because the Lord has anointed me; He has sent
me to bring glad tidings to the lowly, to heal the brokenhearted,
To proclaim liberty to the captives and release to the
prisoners, To announce a year of favor from the Lord and
a day of vindication by our God, to comfort all who mourn;
Thank You! |
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Bethesda Healing Ministry
P.O. Box 203
Dublin, OH 43017
www.bethesdahealing.org
Contact us at: (614)
718-0277
[email protected]
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