Mary finds her story difficult to tell, but she is willing to share it with others who, like her, have come to Bethesda Post-Abortion Healing Ministry bearing hidden emotional and spiritual scars.

She is one of a growing number of local women and men turning to the Roman Catholic-based ministry for healing and reconciliation following an abortion.

Twice a month, support meetings directed by Bethesda leadership and past participants in the program attract 10 to 20 people from various religious and social backgrounds to St. Margaret of Cortona Church on the West Side. Their ages range from 17 to 70. Some women have had recent abortions. For others, 30 years have gone by. Emotions run the gamut from unresolved anger to depression to denial.

But all can share their stories, pray, read the Bible, receive the sacraments, work through a scriptural-centered healing manual and receive peer support and pastoral guidance. Days of recollection and an annual retreat with the Sisters of Life in New York also are part of Bethesda�s outreach.

��Our main objective is focusing on healing the hearts of women in so much pain and giving them a new life," said Fran Kempf, the group�s assistant director.

��I have seen many women who couldn�t hold up their heads when they first came. They�re so devastated at first. They go from crying and literally shaking to being able to really communicate and share their feelings and know what�s in their heart. They didn�t realize that abortion had brought so much dysfunction to their lives."

While abortion-rights supporters say scientific and medical data show little evidence of psychological trauma among post-abortive women, Mary�s story offers a largely unreported perspective of suffering.

Mary, who asked that her last name not be published, said she always felt special growing up in a small town with her loving family. Then she moved to the city as a young adult and her life started to change. She became involved in a sexual relationship. Five months after she met her boyfriend, she became pregnant. A few weeks later, she had an abortion.

��I kept hearing society saying it�s not a baby yet, it�s OK, it�s legal," she said. ��I just chose not to think about it, but at one point I knew" it was the wrong decision.

Mary moved on with her life, but it wasn�t the life she envisioned. She struggled with failed relationships, an abusive boyfriend, promiscuity, a lapse in her Catholic faith, anger, counseling and confusion. Her downward spiral culminated in a bad decision that led to her arrest and a prison term.

Several years after her release, she revealed to a counselor that her abortion had been a low point in her life. A friend guided her to Bethesda, where she said she began to experience God�s love and forgiveness.

��I couldn�t believe how hard it was at first to ask anyone to help me," she said. ��Going back to my abortion, I realized it was pride that I didn�t want anyone to know I had messed up.

��In working through the manual and reading Scripture and going through the meetings, I found out that one of my big issues was my anger. I chose the relationships I was in as a form of self-punishment because my self-worth was so low."

Kempf and Judy Schlueter, Bethesda�s director, believe many other women are struggling with similar feelings but are reluctant to come forward.

��There are so many walking wounded out there," Kempf said. ��As they begin to share their experience and there is more education about postabortion stress, I think women are going to start connecting. Everyone wants to be free, and God wants them to be free."

Barbara Avery, director of the Ohio Religious Coalition for Reproductive Choice, agrees that women can be affected emotionally by abortion, but she said statistics indicate that a high percentage of women feel relieved.

��Our experience in talking with people is that they look back on their decision and say this is the best decision I can make at that time," she said. ��They don�t beat themselves up about it."

The Rev. Carolyn Piper, a Baptist minister, pastoral counselor and abortion-rights supporter, compares post-abortion stress to postpartum depression or the anxiety felt by some women who give up babies for adoption.

��All of us rethink a decision we made in the past at some point," she said.

Conflicting research exists on the emotional effects of abortion. Planned Parenthood says post-abortion syndrome is a ��nonexistent phenomenon" and cites studies saying 98 percent of women are happy with their decision and suffer no adverse effects. But another study, based on national youth surveys done by Ohio State University, indicated that women whose first pregnancies ended in abortion were 65 percent more likely to be at high risk of clinical depression.

Schlueter said the medical community has a difficult time accepting post-abortion stress.

��It�s because it�s the soul that hurts, and the secular world deals with the psychological," she said. ��Some women have gone from counselor to counselor for years, and doctors don�t do anything about it. They tell the women that it�s all over and legal, and it�s time to get over it."

The Rev. Joseph C. Klee, Bethesda�s chaplain, said none of the women and men in the program are judged, but Catholics are encouraged to seek the Sacrament of Reconciliation. The Catholic Church teaches that abortion is a grave sin and that all life from conception to natural death is sacred.

��We want to convey the message that it�s never too late," Klee said. ��That God will forgive the worst of sinners. There�s a great emphasis on the gentleness of God�s mercy."

Bethesda was founded by the Rev. Carleton P. Jones at St. Patrick Church in 1993 and has been meeting at St. Margaret for about two years. The number of women served to date is unknown because records are incomplete, ministry leaders said.

Schlueter said the ministry�s biggest challenge is expansion. The ministry relies on private funding and volunteers to support a small part-time staff. Priests from the Diocese of Columbus and seminarians from the Pontifical College Josephinum also provide pastoral assistance.

��We envision having two to three groups operational in the future," she said. ��Our prayer is to have a permanent house someday."

Bethesda can be reached at 614-718-0277 or 614-309-2651.

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Afterward

The Bethesda Ministry says these feelings are common after an abortion:

� Guilt, shame and fear of telling anyone

� Isolation, withdrawal, sadness and depression

� Anger at yourself or at others involved

� Low self-esteem, worthlessness and despair

� Sense of separation from God; fear of punishment or death; feeling unworthy of love and forgiveness

� Sorrow and grief over the loss of a child

� ��Out of control" sensation � inability to concentrate or preoccupation with memories of the abortion

� A desire for healing, hope, reconciliation and new life with God