Dealing with Post-abortion Syndrome

Editor's note: This is one of a series of anonymous writings from men and women in the Bethesda Post-abortion Healing Ministry. It was written by: Jenny and S.V.

Post-abortion Syndrome is prevalent among abortion survivors, women and men. It is overwhelming, yet can be patiently dealt with in a loving, forgiving, faith-filled environment like the Bethesda Post-abortion Healing Ministry. Jenny, a Bethesda member, shares this aspect of her healing journey.

Jenny: Before I found Bethesda Post-abortion Healing Ministry, I didn't know there was such a thing called Post abortion Syndrome (PAS). All I knew was, every January, I got the blues. These feelings of sadness hit me each year around the anniversary of my abortion. Depression manifested in feelings of low self-worth, shame and guilt. All the joy and hope that accompanies the Christmas season would leave me. I felt undeserving of the love and forgiveness of our precious Savior.

"PAS describes the common emotional and behavioral symptoms that appear over time in those who have experienced abortion. This syndrome closely resembles post-traumatic stress disorder. Symptoms include: anxiety, stress, withdrawal, isolation, self-hatred, inability to forgive self, fear of punishment from God, guilt, depression, sorrow, grief, regret, despair, shame, unworthiness, self-condemnation, anniversary reaction (related to due dates or date of abortion), aversion to children and/or pregnant women, and an inability to trust and form lasting relationships." (Bethesda Manual)

I embodied many of these symptoms in varying degrees during the 15 years after my abortion. Things would trigger my PAS, like a pro-life bumper sticker or an abortion news story. I felt judgment and condemnation from these things, which fed my emotions of low self-worth. The sound of a vacuum cleaner, dental suction, the smell of a certain cologne or a song on the radio, may trigger a PAS reaction in other women. Whatever the reason for our reactions, the cause is the same for all of us.

After a long bout with despair over my abortion, I sought help from a Project Rachel counselor. With her help, I came to know I was suffering unresolved grief over the loss of my child. I was so relieved when I discovered my pain was common among those who had abortion. Most women are haunted by guilt and regret for years afterward. At last, I had permission to grieve the death of a child. I lived so many years with this pain, but didn't know how to change. I didn't know how to heal. My counselor referred me to the Bethesda Post-abortion Healing Ministry. Bethesda gave me the needed direction to travel the road to self-forgiveness and sacramental reconciliation. I was comforted being in company with other survivors who shared similar experiences. Through their support, I gained the strength to face my past and finally, I learned to forgive myself.

Anniversaries will always be difficult for me, but I can, now, face each January with peace. my child has a name, and he's safe in the arms of Our Lord. I know that... God and my child have forgiven me. I believe that one day I will hold my child in my arms. If you are living with PAS, be assured you are not crazy; your pain is real. You deserve the healing that can only come through Christ. God knows the tremendous pain you are feeling. He wants you to be at peace with him, again. I encourage you to come to his healing through Bethesda.